(My Dream Girl is) Guest Blogger: Neha

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IÂ’ve spent the last five days at the cathedral for Greek Orthodox Easter and as anyone who knows anything about the Orthodox Church is aware, this means that I spent close to twenty hours in a haze of frankincense and liturgical chanting. Sometimes, an hour would pass which didnÂ’t require much participation on my part and my thoughts would predictably wander.

Taz seemed to be a hit with our readers— and that meant that the pressure was on. So, who should our next honored guest blogger be? She should obviously be a she, but which witty woman could we borrow, who could hang with the incorrigible XYs in the bunker, beat them at pool and Xbox AND do it all backwards while in high heels?
133933513_8c3ced2c63_m.jpg The chanting continued and I looked up towards the mosaic-adorned dome. My wish listing continued shamelessly, despite the fact that greed is a sin.

My dream girl would adore Almodovar yet choose to further shrink the pathetic amount of space we provide guest bloggers in their cells by unpacking books she canÂ’t live without, by Rand and Rushdie, no less. (I can see that IÂ’m going to get no rest any time soon, not with having to stand outside her door to keep the Vij and Vinod at bay.) When I ask her why on earth sheÂ’d bring thousands of pages to a place where sheÂ’d be expected to write feverishly, sheÂ’d reply that she couldnÂ’t, nay, wouldnÂ’t be forced to choose just one tome to take with her to the barren land where our bunker lies.

SheÂ’d have to be okay with musical snobs who make Pitchfork-ers seem humble; we play a ton of conscious hip-hop, loopy trip hop and even a smattering of pop. If she can stump us by dropping something unfamiliar in the mix, sheÂ’ll be golden. What am I typing…sheÂ’s my dream girlÂ…sheÂ’ll school us mercilessly, probably with something addictive like Spank Rock.

The chanting grew appropriately mournful and so did I. My dream girl was just that, an apparition, an apsara, an absolutely impossible cocktail of coolness. I sighed audibly and the austere yia yia to my left glared at me. Time to focus on gettinÂ’ saved. I had been a bad girl, after all.

Suddenly a light pierced the church, as if heaven itself was opening and I heard what sounded like a celestial chorus of angels in perfect harmony. Eureka. I have found her. There was one mysterious word in my head, an answer, a solution, and a miracle:

Currylingus.

The sun shifted its blinding rays a few degrees over and where my cinema-worthy inspiration once burned, there was merely a window. Oddly enough, I still heard angels behind me, but I felt foolish once I turned and saw the CathedralÂ’s choir. No matter. My mother always said that if you go to church when you are feeling lost or confused, you might just find what you need.

I needed an exceptionally well read, M.I.A.-lovinÂ’, lacto-ovo-vegetarian film buff and lo, she not only existed, she was well known and popular in our distinct, mutinous community. See? Lighting candles works. Now I just have to go back to church and ask for super-human strength and the ability to function without sleep for a month, because once the boys meet Neha AND find out sheÂ’s a trekkie? My bullwhip is going to get crackinÂ’Â…and for once, itÂ’s going to be used as it was designed to be. Sigh.

Kindly welcome Neha of Currylingus to the Mutiny. Oh, and you best be kind—I may be tired but my whip is always ready to go.

41 thoughts on “(My Dream Girl is) Guest Blogger: Neha”

  1. I have mixed feelings about Neha guesting for us. I don’t think it was right for you all to keep me out of her initiation ceremony. Just because I smelled of Molson Ice and Maple syrup when I got there doesn’t make me “creepy.”

  2. Woo Hoo! Neha’s my dream girl, too!! And I’m pretty sure she doesn’t plagiarize – a big plus in my book.

  6. Neha, you knew Khan’s chest was real, right? 😉

    Sigh. Will I ever be forgiven? I am sure Neha knew that. She once had a post that led to a website that was designed like an Enterprise console. I wasted my whole day there pretending I was LaForge.

  14. Every Sepia lady is a babe. Guys, I think you have some good features, Abhi has a cute grin, but so far my gay-o-meter isn’t ringing for any male mutineer. But keep bringing in articulate, cool and smiling babes like Taz and Neha, and you have me hooked big time.

  15. my gay-o-meter isn’t ringing for any male mutineer

    I take umbrage at that. I could tell you stories about living in S.F…

  16. (I would have pretended to be Worf.)

    I have close friends who insist I sound like a Klingon.

    my gay-o-meter isn’t ringing for any male mutineer.

    For all we know it could be Brokeback City down in the SM bunker. Who knows what happens behind closed doors in North Dakota, that seething mass of rampant debauchery and Bacchanillian excess ?

  17. Evening all.

    Neha as a guest blogger on SM. It’s like I came back after two months away and all my wishes came true. I have to confess, I turned my computer on after barely glancing at the Internet for weeks and…

    I opened browsers in two of my screens. I checked mail and Pickled Politics first. Then with the two windows I hit Sepia Mutiny and Currylingus. It’s weird – I don’t really know why I chose your blog Neha. Perhaps I psychicishly knew you and SM were netally connected. Perhaps I sensed a rift in the Force (TM). Perhaps I detected that something special had happened to your bloggage. Or perhaps I just have a crush too.

    But hey cica, if it comes to a crush show-down, I bow to the superior suitor. She’s all yours. Just let me watch.

    I’m back muthaluvvas.

  18. For all we know it could be Brokeback City down in the SM bunker.

    Why can’t I quit you, Ennis?

  21. Wo-ho! Yeah Neha! I’m excited that she will Sepia Mutiny’s guest blogger next month. She will had a whole new meaning to the time pass this blog has become for me at work.

  26. they took our lumber.
    they took our oil.
    they took our water.
    but… to reach for the lingus.
    The gloves drop here.
    ahrr

  29. O Canada!
Our home and native land!
True patriot love in all thy sons command.

With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!

From far and wide,
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

God keep our land glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

  30. the addition of Neha AND Bongsy’s return? god, I should go play lottery today, the deck seems stacked in my favor!

    welcome!

  33. She’s gourgeous!

    She’s so gourgeous, I went and looked up the correct spelling of gourgoeous, just so I could write this comment!

  35. I am getting to love this gregorious crowd. Enchanted!

    P.S. bbboy (is that ac in sexadecimal?), did you mean to call her bourgeous?

  38. Look, all I’m saying is that if there’s any Brokeback action going on down there at the S&M, I mean SM, bunker, I demand to be a part of it. 😉

  40. When did Neha become a full-time mutineer? How did I miss this? It’s very, very cool.

  41. When did Neha become a full-time mutineer? How did I miss this? It’s very, very cool.

    It is easier to install someone as OverLord of SM Canadian Operations when you don’t draw attention to it. The SM Colonial Era has begun.