Every once in awhile, introducing a writer demands that you not pen something funny, embarrassing or insightful, that you get out of the way and simply quote the fabulosity. This is one of those times: rollin’ down D.C., sippin’ on Love and Haterade.
On the relationship between eyefucking and classical dance:
… fifteen years of Indian dance classes have made me ridiculously good at eyefuckingFifteen years of Indian dance classes have made me ridiculously good at eyefucking. Like, I think I’m better at eyefucking than some people are in bed. [Link]
On Indian parents and parallel parking:
Lester and Sally [parents] never taught either of us how to parallel park with actual cars… We often wonder what that might have looked like to unsuspecting suburban passerby… Two orange cones in an empty parking lot, a middle-aged balding Indian man explaining the art of parallel parking with charts and math and interpretive dance, and a disgruntled hyphenated-American teenager standing by the sidelines watching the scene unfold with amusement and shame, longing for the day she would have a license to drive away from it all. [Link]
The building had unbelievable restrictions about overnight guests… they were truly outrageous: forms needed to be filled out at least 24 hours in advanced, signed by all your suite-mates, then approved by the building… I almost felt bad for the kids because it made an outside random hookup absolutely impossible… the building itself was perhaps the greatest cock block of all time…Katrina (whose hair, if I haven’t mentioned it, was totally JBF): Well, it’s just that…
[The author]: Katrina? Unless he’s dying and sleeping with you was the antidote to that death, I assure you — he’s ok… I promise you, Katrina, in my 26 years on this earth, I’ve never seen anyone die as a result of unfulfilled desire.
And with that, Katrina fled the building and followed her Michael Fink into the dark night. [Link]
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On cranial chastity belts (hmm, sensing a theme — it’s less The Handmaid’s Tale than The Canterbury Tales):
He was trying to mindfuck me. And it was not possible. With a newfound… resolution of leaving (and returning) home with my dignity intact, I wore my cranial chastity belt out into the world and left the mindfucking to the masses. [Link]
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p>On giving out your phone number:
In the life of a single woman, your phone number is like your virginity — once you spread your legs and give it up, you can’t get it back. And then it’s just out there. You’re a little vulnerable at first, but ultimately wiser for the wear. You thank god for protection in the form of Caller ID. And you hope against hope that you gave it to someone who’s going to know what to do with it, but you live knowing there’s always the offchance you might have been nothing more than number in an otherwise checkered call history. [Link]
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p>What happens when a boyfriend meets the parents:
You can fake a lot of things in this lifetime — the way you look, where you live, who you are, what you’re worth, what you can afford — but two things I’ve learned you absolutely can’t:
- being a good writer and,
- what you know about the world we live in, to a man who already hates you for not being smart enough to date his daughter [Link]
excuse my ignorance, but what exactly does eyef****ng mean?
WGIIA, I think it’s a term for mentally undressing someone and throwing them down on the ground (in imagination, obviously) and humping them to O-ville! Or something like that, I guess. But I am looking forward to hearing the educated sepians elaborate on the subject in the coming hours.
aNTi,
thanks.
As much as I too would like to hear sepians espouse on this for the rest of the weekend, I’m here to say: It’s from Wedding Crashers. Long, meaningful stares. Nothing more, nothing less.
Corneal Penetration. Yaaa…she’s money. Good find. I wish this was posted earlier so I could read on Whitey’s time (and dime) and not when it’s time for my disco nap.
Or you could just click eyefucking, where it’s defined.
i clicked the linked eye—– in your post that took me to the blog, but still wasn’t too sure what it meant. now i know.
YAY!
sounds fun doesn’t it?
She’s def right about the indian ability to “eyefuck”. It’s a super talent, but too bad it can’t be turned off once in a bloody while!
Very cute blog – thanks for the intro.
barmaid rocks. especially when she’s drunk on wine w/cork parts floating in it.
interesting gal……perceptive and sharp…..thats a potent combo….
as for eyefucking…..i dont think desis(from the fobland) are good at eyefucking at all……the guys might be good at ‘eye-sexualharassing’ or worse still,’eye-raping’ but the definition entails a mutuality of desire and bilaterality of purpose……we usually dont have it!!
nofixedaddress — add EyeStalking to that and I wholeheartedly agree.
manish — thanks for the shout out; i just had to come clean with Sally about the L&H. she is a big fan of SM and i didn’t want her to find out the hard way, like by reading a parallel parking story about herself, without fair warning.
“Eyefuck”… I shall be honest and admit that when I was high-school I thought this had something to do with a person’s eye-socket.
Every once in awhile, introducing a writer
So, she’s an upcoming guest blogger…? (forgive my ignorance, I didn’t know it was there)
no flaming allowed! thebarmaid rocks!
Eyef* = ChakshuChan
Wicked writing, prominent potty mouth, what’s not to love? Salue, Barmaid, if you could see me now you would see the googly eyes I am making at you.
Oh BarMaid, I am so swooned by your writing! If only you could see how I robustly am clickf**king your juicy blog right now, horizontally and vertically slithering all over it.
welcome vishu girl!
What a find! I’m swooning over her writing too.
Would love it she could guest-blog for sepia…
haha i love it!!! don’t worry barmaid, there’s no need to be worried about any haterade from us sm readers. =D
depending how old you are, it’s an innocent mistake. I believe there was a dialogue in “Heavy Metal” about ripping off somebody’s head and fucking their eye sockets. Or was it their neck-stump… oh well, now that I’ve dated myself, I shall leave, shaking my fist and cursing ‘these kids today’…
The lost art of malediction… nobody knows the difference between eyefucking and skullfucking any more? 🙂
I used to think that the heavy metal ref i.e. ripping eye sockets etc was eyefucking. but thanks to Maledicta Marauder’s link now I kno, thanks 🙂
nofixedaddress said “as for eyefucking…..i dont think desis(from the fobland) are good at eyefucking at all……the guys might be good at ‘eye-sexualharassing’ or worse still,’eye-raping’ but the definition entails a mutuality of desire and bilaterality of purpose……we usually dont have it!!”
nofixedaddress/barmaid- face it, ladies, if you think a guy is cute he can pretty much eye-anything-he-wants-to-you and you’ll think it’s cute. If you don’t find him attractive, then suddenly it’s “icky”. Same applies to the guys, just in a different way- a hot woman can say as few words as she wants and the guys will still stick to her like glue.
oops…didn’t get a chance to finish my thoughts in my last post…
…yet even if a woman is the greatest dancer or the best conversationalist, a lot of guys will just pass her by or laugh behind her back at her attempts at flirting if they don’t think she’s attractive.
And before the name-calling-to-avoid-a-response starts, no I’m not a FOB, and no I’m not an unattractive guy. I’m just a guy who has hung out with enough groups of female and male friends to see that this pattern of behavior exists on both sides.
If you don’t find FOB men attractive, just come out and say it. But next time the hot blonde surfer dude eyes you suggestively and you smile in response, think about this.
relax rama dude, u remind of myself…touchy,hyper-sens,ready to jump at any-everything.
much honor to be branded alongwith ms barmaid……sadly though,i would have preferred to be branded with her on account of intellect being the common denominator and not gender.. and that my gender in this case was assumed,and assumed wrongly makes it slightly more uncomfortable than it already was.
anyways,i cant really comment on what u were saying coz i am not really clear what exactly it was……..i do admit however that as u assumed(rightly this time),i really do not find FOB males attractive(maybe my being a FOB,and a male to top has something to do with it)
p.s:- hate working on sundays
what about the link between classical dance and eyefucking? i’d like some more info — how heightened is is this skill by classical training?
Many fellow dancers will get offended by this comment, but I attribute much of my sexual prowess to my years of classical dance, an activity approved and encouraged by my ultra-conservative parents.
Of course, the only time you really get good at expressions is when you have some experience, so I wonder what my teacher and the aunties, think… that we’re just good at imitating the teacher, and don’t really realize what it means?
There are a lot of sexual metaphors in classic hindu literature and mythology, and dance started out being a big part of that, until it was brahminicized.
it’s been awhile, but i have been wondering what happened to loveandhaterade. did the barmaid move sites and i just didn’t get the memo?
30 · rose said
Darling girl*, the site is no longer up– she didn’t move. You were not left off the “memo”. 🙂
*I’m assuming you are “my” rose, a.k.a. Rose A. If you are not, pardon my effusive familiarity.