In search of a "mahogany man-killer"

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A few weeks back I wrote about the dearth of brown athletes at the Winter Olympics and suggested an alternative competition where our prowess would be unmatched. Today at Slate.com Reihan Salam further breaks it down, tongue firmly in cheek:

Who are we kidding? “Mahogany-man killer” he ain’t.

While watching a bunch of young, white Olympians zipping and flipping around on their newfangled snowboards the other night, I couldn’t help thinking: What if Bangladesh, my parents’ native land, had the geopolitical muscle to turn an extremely Bangladeshi-friendly activity into an Olympic sport?

Bangladeshis are very good at making things from jute, assembling button-down shirts for export, and organizing crippling general strikes. All of these activities involve tremendous mental dexterity and physical prowess. All can be performed in the bitterest cold. And, unlike “snowboarding halfpipe,” not one is compatible with head-bopping to Juelz Santana on your iPod–a surefire indication that your “sport” should not be conducted on the Olympic level…

I still vividly recall the 1996 Summer Olympics in Atlanta, when my middle sister and I cheered on every wiry, diminutive American athlete of a darker hue. When you squint, a fearsome Latino bantamweight looks not unlike one of the burnt ochre Salams…

Deep in my heart, I hungered for a mahogany man-killer who would avenge me on the slopes and forever banish my Winter Olympics-induced shame. This year, I had a strong candidate, Indian luger Shiva Keshavan. But the story of this “great brown hope” is not one of unmitigated joy and triumph. It’s a parable for the tragedy of modern India. More than that, though, Shiva’s struggles teach us that a brown man trying to make it in a white man’s world is like luging uphill. [Link]

Obviously Reihan hasn’t heard of this potential mahogany man-killer (thanks for the tip “epoch”):

[Canadian Emanuel] Sandhu’s impeccable posture and extension on the ice betray his classical dance training. He started ballet and jazz at age 3, and at 11 began studying at the renowned National Ballet School in Toronto. Only 100 dancers every year are accepted into that school, whose graduates usually end up joining a professional dance company. Sandhu, who first took to the ice at age 9 (his mother told him, “all Canadians must learn to skate”) continued to skate while in ballet school. But by 11th grade he was only finding 15 minutes a day to skate, and was forced to make a choice. He chose figure skating, leaving school and eventually moving to Vancouver to train. Sandhu still dances several times a week, and he says that floor work enhances his skating.

Reihan continues his anguished lament:

Shiva [Keshavan] finished 25th out of 36 lugers, thanks entirely to the nonfunctioning “Indian Luge Association.” You see, this so-called luge federation provided Shiva with virtually no financial assistance, forcing him to pay for luging essentials out of his own pocket. Rather than spend his hard-earned money on a high-tech, precision-engineered sled, Shiva blew more than $300 on a fancy, saffron-colored luge suit. He must have surmised that the lusty “ooohs” and “aaaahs” emitted by ladies swooning over his luge-suited frame would propel him at a velocity approaching the speed of light. Regrettably, that is not how the laws of physics operate…

So, I’m giving up on the Winter Olympics. Like a latter-day Marcus Garvey, I recommend that brown men abandon the white man’s “winter games.” Instead, we will master ancient Indian sports like kalaripayattu, kabbadi, and, who can forget, kho-kho. And all will be well.

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51 thoughts on “In search of a "mahogany man-killer"”

  1. When you squint, a fearsome Latino bantamweight looks not unlike one of the burnt ochre SalamsÂ…

    Didn’t you know? Everyone looks South Asian from a distance.

  2. I saw Sandhu on the highlights last night and did a double take on his name….and then waited for the Sepia post sigh I may need help.

  3. Just for the heck of it – posted this on Slate – thought I’d present my POV here for your fb and thoughts.

    Reihan. I am Indo-Canadian and your article is quite annoying to say the least. Self-deprecating humor is one thing, doing the minstrel act is another. Excellence at the international level needs three enablers – genetic ability, infrastructure and popular acknowledgement of the chosen sport. Not only does the sub-continent score low on the last two items but there’re bigger priorities than winter sports out there. Touch wood – they’re doing a lot of things right – socially, economically – but I dare say healthcare and education rank much higher than luging or curling. So your assessment and presentation are weak. BTW, given that Indics are a relatively small % of the population, I think it is creditable to have one Indo-canadian in the olympics – a contender no less. That being said, in Canada at least, winter sports are part of the social fabric with participation by all. While generally it is dumb to bucket people by race, I am quite sure you’ll not be as disappointed with the ‘browns’ in the future. Take care. V in Toronto
  4. Just for the heck of it – posted this on Slate – thought I’d present my POV here for your fb and thoughts.

    Dude, I think you might be tripping for no reason. The whole article was tongue-in-cheek. I kind of wish that I had written it.

  5. flygirl, you’re not alone! My Mum is a big skating fan and she chewed my ear off yesterday telling me about this good looking half desi skater…yeah Mum, I already know (courtesy of epoch). “There’ll be some more on him on SM sooner or later” I thought to myself.

    Anyway, she was also a bit peeved at the BBC commentators, who spent ages talking about his Italian side but didn’t mention his Indian parentage once.

  6. Dude, I think you might be tripping for no reason. The whole article was tongue-in-cheek. I kind of wish that I had written it.

    Very apropos and funny. That said, while the article was tongue-in-cheek it did make a valid larger point. It’s difficult not to devalue the US’s multiple snowboarding golds (or those it will gain in baseball, softball, and basketball for that matter).

    IMO there are a few sports that can be considered universal — like track and field, swimming, etc. etc. For lack of a better definition the sports that do not require significant resources to practice or train (this is a simplistic definition as even sports such as track and field benefit from better equipment, coaches and money). While South Asians don’t even excel in these sports there’s something to be said for looking only at sports that don’t require significant resources to play. The dominance of those from Africa in certain track and field sports, for example, is heartening.

  7. South Asians do excel at certain sports. Squash. Cricket. Note that neither of those sports are in the Olympics, while both tennis and (until next time) baseball are.

    Why exclude Squash and cricket? Look at who chooses which sports get in — the Olympic Committee and the nations that host the Olympics.

    Some of the coolest sports in the world are Inuit sports, but the kneel-jump, arm-pull, knuckle hop, and high-kick aren’t part of the white-man’s Olympics! And no sport in the world beats the ‘ear-pull’. (Check out the Arctic Winter Games here)

    As for Sandhu, I’m glad to see his openly-gay status will not prevent him from being an idol to aunties and sisters everywhere. Unfortunately for curry-lovers, he seems to emphasize his Italian side more (he speaks Italian, but not Punjabi).

  8. Unfortunately for curry-lovers, he seems to emphasize his Italian side more (he speaks Italian, but not Punjabi).

    hey, I speak English but my Hindi sucks; it makes me no LESS brown, pal. 😉

    SandhuÂ’s impeccable posture and extension on the ice betray his classical dance training. He started ballet and jazz at age 3, and at 11 began studying at the renowned National Ballet School in Toronto.

    That’s 2 brown-ballet-boy posts in less than a month! Who says the mutiny is all about The SME 🙂

  9. Very cool!!! DidnÂ’t know there were brown people that could skate on the Olympic level. I am definitely going to be watching out for Mr Emanuel Sandhu, cos he is brown and also cos we share the same birthday and heritage(got to love the Italian/Punjabi combo.

  10. Go Sandhu! He never made it to the ’02 Olympics due to a broken knee so I hope he’ll kick some kundi this time. The man infuriatingly tends to spend his time skating between ‘Amazing’ and ‘Terrible’ with no middle ground so there’s a lot of pressure on his broad shoulders…and washboard abs…and…nevermind.

  11. Speaking about Combos- Shiva Keshavan is a Malayalee + Italian combo. Family runs an Italian Restaurant somewhere in Himachal ( Northern India), by the foothills of Himalayas. Shiva came a respectable 25th out of a field of 33, considering the equipment he was working with was as old as him. Indian Olympic Committee would not fund him for any of his expenses. He boycotted the Opening ceremony due to differences with the clueless Indian “Officials” (read freeloaders) who piggybacked into Turin on the success of the hardwroking atheletes who qualified for the meet on their own merit.

    Reihan quotes: Blah..Blah.. Shiva blew more than $300 on a fancy, saffron-colored luge suit..blah blah

    A good Luge costs upwards of $5000, what does 300 bucks buy these days? and what is wrong with looking good? hey it works for most people 😉

  12. DesiDancer,

    You can’t compare your speaking English and not Hindi to Sandhu’s speaking Italian and not Punjabi. The fact is he learned his mom’s language and not his dad’s. English is obviously a default for anyone raised in the US/Canada. As for being ‘brown’ it’s possible he doesn’t care about that aspect of his roots, whereas you do.

  13. I don’t think Sandhu is the first brown skater. Wasn’t there another Canadian guy named Rajiv or something like that a couple of years ago. I swear it. And he was good, too: went to the Olympics.

  14. Amitabh & DesiDancer,

    Re: speaking Hindi/Punjabi vs English

    It depends on whether the fact that an individual cannot speak his/her mother tongue is a conscious effort on his/her part to avoid learning the language (due to some kind of prejudice or hang-up about their desi background), or just a result of circumstance (eg. parents didn’t teach him/her the language, or there wasn’t enough opportunity to put any linguistic skills into practice).

    I’ve met people from both categories. In the case of some desis whose parents are both Indian, it’s sometimes because the parents (or older generation in general) predominantly speak to them in English, although in some instances I suspect there’s a status-related aspect too.

    It varies a little from community to community too, although I’m not sure exactly why that is.

  15. The fact is he learned his mom’s language and not his dad’s. English is obviously a default for anyone raised in the US/Canada.

    uh…my 100% mallu cousins who were born and raised in toronto picked up italian effortlessly and spoke it BETTER than malayalam. italian is all over the canada i visited. let’s not cast aspersions on the gorgeous, whose cheekbones i could cut myself on…stothram!

    in other news, i heart neha for dropping the k-bomb in her comment. 😀

  16. You can’t compare your speaking English and not Hindi to Sandhu’s speaking Italian and not Punjabi. The fact is he learned his mom’s language and not his dad’s.

    um, yes I can. I learned my mom’s language(s) and not my Dad’s. Has nothing to do with whether one is more or less desi.

  17. How are you so sure he’s gay? I mean, let’s not jump the gun here. Just because he likes to eat chocolate turtles while watching Sex and the City doesn’t mean a thing! I need evidence, please.

  18. Dude, I think you might be tripping for no reason. The whole article was tongue-in-cheek. I kind of wish that I had written it.

    I agree. The article was a funny read! And it’s great to see more Indian-something combos doing good things out there. I think we’ll see more of those in course of time, when in a couple of decades it becomes ‘cool’ to be desi.

  20. Just for the heck of it – posted this on Slate – thought I’d present my POV here for your fb and thoughts.
    Dude, I think you might be tripping for no reason. The whole article was tongue-in-cheek. I kind of wish that I had written it.

    a fairer presentation could have taken the humorous angle like this – “i tried my level best, but it could be my sixteen generations of accountant genes or the fact that my big nostrils kept getting caught in the moghuls, but i had to give up… no wonder there are so few indics in the winter olympics”. For that matter our man might have some physical problems… no problem… if one’s a champ at heart – it comes through in the writing – and i dont have a problem with his inadequacies – to each his own – just dont claim to be speaking for me in public.

  21. too quick to the click i say – my point beyond #20 is that the guy didnt convey that he’d EVER taken up winter sports or knew anyone who had… well … maybe the guy needs to change friends and step out in the fresh air… it’s a beautiful world out here in NB, PEI and ON. … step out and champs will happen.

  22. Both my parents are punjabi, and I can’t speak punjabi that well, short sentences, but no longer conversations.

  23. DesiDancer

    Um, no you can’t. Italian and English are not the same in the North American context and therefore not comparable (although based on Anna’s post maybe Italian is widespread in Toronto?). If your mom’s language is English (and it was YOU who introduced English into this), then as a US-raised you can’t sit there and claim “Hey look, I learned my mom’s language (English) just like Emanuel Sandhu learned his mom’s language (Italian)!” Everybody learns English here. If your mom’s language is other than English and you managed to learn it, that’s great. But there have to be some reasons why you learned it and not your dad’s. That doesn’t necessarily make you more or less desi, but it didn’t just happen by accident. And by the way, in your view, what makes someone more or less desi than someone else?

    Jai:

    I agree with you. The communities that tend to preserve their languages into the 2nd generation by and large are communities for whom the language is an important aspect of their self-identity i.e. Sikh kids tend (not always) to know Punjabi, and South-Asian muslim kids tend (not always) to know Urdu (even if Urdu may not be their actual mothertongue as for example many Pakistani Punjabis who know Urdu and not Punjabi). It’s because these groups internalise these languages as part of how they define themselves, who they are as a culture. For example, Sikh kids for example hold Punjabi in a lot of esteem. It’s an attitude they learn from their parents. On the other hand, Hindu Punjabi parents living outside Punjab have historically not held Punjabi in high esteem (let me point out there are exceptions before Manish or someone gets pissed off) and have not transmitted it (or the esteem for it) to their kids. The world-wide popularity of bhangra music has made a lot of Punjabi Hindus rediscover their language and start valuing it again.

  24. If your mom’s language is other than English and you managed to learn it, that’s great.

    Thank you, I try.

    And by the way, in your view, what makes someone more or less desi than someone else?

    haldi stained fingernails on the right hand.

  26. Oh DD, there’s no way I’m as pretty as this fellow. Working upwards, it all goes swimmingly until you reach my eyebrows. Those two hairy caterpillars that keep the rain out of my eyes will forever put me below Mr Sandhu’s shapely brows in the prettiness stakes.

  27. And the stalk-a-thon continues…

    Emanuel is also a model, here’s his page at the Liz Bell Agency. You KNOW I’ve been hunting that shit down all dang day. 4th pic from the left makes you want to run some spoons over it to make trink trink trink sounds.

  29. Neha, I have the same chest and waist size as him. Does that count?

    You mean the sound might be a little tronk tronk instead? No problem. Please post some pictures. My agency is looking for fresh talent.

  30. You mean the sound might be a little *tronk tronk* instead? No problem. Please post some pictures. My agency is looking for fresh talent.

    Yes I suppose. The trink trink days may be in the past (or perhaps I am just pretending there ever was a trink trink). A partial picture of the tronk tronk does exist somewhere on the interweb. Thankfully it is very well hidden (at least better than Sandhu’s model portfolio) 🙂

  33. Hmm..time flies…

    Bong Breaker> Heh, I originally thought he was Spanish until the name came up because the commentary here kept going on about flamenco. They gushed over him but didn’t talk about his ethnicity, highlighting his tendencies to be fab or crap. Sepia where would I be without you?

  34. He looks like Freddie Mercury and Angelina Jolie’s love child. Okay, if the space-time-gay-straight continuum got all messed up or something…….

    I love Reihan – the blog he has with Ross Douthat is great and he did a hilarious job filling in on Andrew Sullivan’s blog a while back. No linking today – I’m just that lazy.

  35. Emanuel is also a model, here’s his page at the Liz Bell Agency. You KNOW I’ve been hunting that shit down all dang day. 4th pic from the left makes you want to run some spoons over it to make *trink trink trink* sounds.

    I’m not gay but even I think that man is sexy!

  36. Neha dahling, when you say “your” agency, do you model for them, work for them, or are you taking the currylingus?

    A complete and unadulterated of my trink/tronk/thud also appears online Abhi. But I have the feeling you want yours as well hidden as I want mine.

    (I’m referring to the pictures)

  38. My little sister and I were gawking at Sandhu’s portfolio pix- and she giggled. I said “What?” and she said, “hehe, it says printer friendly.”

    Just thought I’d share how SM creates sisterly moments in my life…

  39. DesiDancer,

    It may be time for me to make some introductions. I know Amitabh from my previous conversations with him on the Sikhnet discussion forum; he’s actually a very good guy and is quite sensitive and insightful. I can vouch for this from personal experience — there were certain things regarding my own life (negative experiences etc) which Amitabh obviously managed to correctly figure out, yet he handled it in a sensitive enough way so as not to embarrass me or compromise my own relative anonymity on Sikhnet.

    Amitabh,

    As you’ve probably realised from my various conversations with DesiDancer on other threads, she’s one of my on-line friends here on SM (although she may deny it laughing). She’s actually a very nice person indeed and, again, I can speak from personal experience here — she’s certainly cut me more slack than I probably deserved on some occasions. I’m also basing this on my observations of her various postings on this blog and the way she’s behaved towards other commenters; trust me, she’s obviously very smart, but she’s also sensitive and kind-hearted. (She can be very funny too).

    DD — Meet Amitabh….. Amitabh — Meet DesiDancer…..

    Don’t be too hard on each other 😉

  40. OK. It’s settled. Sandhu is Italian. I he had won, he’d be Desi, but the choking loser-boy can go back to spaghetti-eating.

    But gold-medallist Pleshenko — he looks a little Kashmiri, no?

  42. Amitabh, I’m just speaking the truth, bro. Good to see you here anyway — I hope my relatively relaxed and dubiously-humorous manner here on SM (compared to my more serious tone when I used to post on Sikhnet) hasn’t been too much of a shock for you 😉

  44. Thanx for the pics, Neha!!

    so pretty. so very pretty pretty pretty…

    sigh

    That being said, the commentators set aside the insipid-bitchy comments they usually deliver and had some sharp critiques for him. Apparetnly he’s the one guy Plushenko (eventual gold medallist) feared the most, and his performance at the Olympics was simply a case of not enough practice. Of all the times to ignore those study-hard, nose-to-the-grindstone desi genes!! fer shame… too much dolce vita for little Emmanuel, apparently.

    In any case, I was rooting for the fagadocious Johnny Weir. How totally awesome is that kid!?! He’s my new imaginary best friend.

  45. OK. It’s settled. Sandhu is Italian. I he had won, he’d be Desi, but the choking loser-boy can go back to spaghetti-eating.

    ikram – that’s a stupid gutless comment. have you ever competed in anything, work or sport? heck, the only way i can explain this is if you work for the government.

  47. heck, the only way i can explain this is if you work for the government.
    Or by assuming Ikram has a sense of humor.

    ok the gov’t bit was out of line – personal bad experiences with unionized gov’t employees- control and yak but no accountability – but i was out of line – apologies to govt service employees out there.
    i assume the dig on humor was on me… yup… funny i did purge this next line before posting – no i dont have a sense of humor on this… i wouldnt laugh at dead baby or fat jokes either – would you?

  49. no buddy … flying solo now … first ikram started some rumor about sandhu’s sexuality till it became the biggest thing on this board … and i defer to you guys in how you moderate this … but let me put it this way, sandhu’s wearing my team’s colors… i’m going not going to let anyone slag him without taking a stance… there you have it. ’nuff said.

  50. ikram – that’s a stupid gutless comment. have you ever competed in anything, work or sport? heck, the only way i can explain this is if you work for the government.

    Sandhu is notoriously inconsistant, though.

    I saw a documentary on the top canadian skaters on the CBC last week, Sandhu’s home life was anything but a barrel of laughs and it seemed like the source of it was his Punjabi dad (who walked out on the family)… so that might have something to do with his leaning the other way.

    He’s really arrogant and all that, but you can’t help but root for him. Interesting, troubled character.