A few weeks back I wrote about the dearth of brown athletes at the Winter Olympics and suggested an alternative competition where our prowess would be unmatched. Today at Slate.com Reihan Salam further breaks it down, tongue firmly in cheek:

Who are we kidding? “Mahogany-man killer” he ain’t.

While watching a bunch of young, white Olympians zipping and flipping around on their newfangled snowboards the other night, I couldn’t help thinking: What if Bangladesh, my parents’ native land, had the geopolitical muscle to turn an extremely Bangladeshi-friendly activity into an Olympic sport?

Bangladeshis are very good at making things from jute, assembling button-down shirts for export, and organizing crippling general strikes. All of these activities involve tremendous mental dexterity and physical prowess. All can be performed in the bitterest cold. And, unlike “snowboarding halfpipe,” not one is compatible with head-bopping to Juelz Santana on your iPod–a surefire indication that your “sport” should not be conducted on the Olympic level…

I still vividly recall the 1996 Summer Olympics in Atlanta, when my middle sister and I cheered on every wiry, diminutive American athlete of a darker hue. When you squint, a fearsome Latino bantamweight looks not unlike one of the burnt ochre Salams…

Deep in my heart, I hungered for a mahogany man-killer who would avenge me on the slopes and forever banish my Winter Olympics-induced shame. This year, I had a strong candidate, Indian luger Shiva Keshavan. But the story of this “great brown hope” is not one of unmitigated joy and triumph. It’s a parable for the tragedy of modern India. More than that, though, Shiva’s struggles teach us that a brown man trying to make it in a white man’s world is like luging uphill. [Link]

Obviously Reihan hasn’t heard of this potential mahogany man-killer (thanks for the tip “epoch”):

[Canadian Emanuel] Sandhu’s impeccable posture and extension on the ice betray his classical dance training. He started ballet and jazz at age 3, and at 11 began studying at the renowned National Ballet School in Toronto. Only 100 dancers every year are accepted into that school, whose graduates usually end up joining a professional dance company. Sandhu, who first took to the ice at age 9 (his mother told him, “all Canadians must learn to skate”) continued to skate while in ballet school. But by 11th grade he was only finding 15 minutes a day to skate, and was forced to make a choice. He chose figure skating, leaving school and eventually moving to Vancouver to train. Sandhu still dances several times a week, and he says that floor work enhances his skating.

Reihan continues his anguished lament:

Shiva [Keshavan] finished 25th out of 36 lugers, thanks entirely to the nonfunctioning “Indian Luge Association.” You see, this so-called luge federation provided Shiva with virtually no financial assistance, forcing him to pay for luging essentials out of his own pocket. Rather than spend his hard-earned money on a high-tech, precision-engineered sled, Shiva blew more than $300 on a fancy, saffron-colored luge suit. He must have surmised that the lusty “ooohs” and “aaaahs” emitted by ladies swooning over his luge-suited frame would propel him at a velocity approaching the speed of light. Regrettably, that is not how the laws of physics operate…

So, I’m giving up on the Winter Olympics. Like a latter-day Marcus Garvey, I recommend that brown men abandon the white man’s “winter games.” Instead, we will master ancient Indian sports like kalaripayattu, kabbadi, and, who can forget, kho-kho. And all will be well.

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