Anatomy of a List

Posted on by

Every year, the men’s website askmen.com releases a list of the 99 hottest celebrities on this planet. Millions of people vote to pick their favorite celebrity, and men the world over are more interested in the results of this poll than ones that pick the majority leader in the House of Representatives. I know, men are shallow. However, I am not one of those men. I care. I am also against the crass commercialization of women. But sometimes, one has to make sacrifices for the sake of an audience, and so this year, I am setting aside my usual apathy to take on the unpleasant task of scouring the list for hot desi women.

There is something in this post for everyone, though: the righties can be indignant about the clothes these women wear; the lefties can fume about the list being predominantly white. The others can gawk.

I’ve scoured the list very, very carefully, and I am afraid the news isn’t good. The South Asian representation on the list is pretty skimpy. (yes, I always intend my pun).

Aishwarya Rai, the most beautiful woman in the world, is in the list for the third successive year. She manages to break into the top 50 this year, at number 47.

Crowned Miss World 1994, Indian model Aishwarya Rai has become a superstar in Bollywood (the Indian film industry). But her influence, as Time magazine’s Asian edition pointed out in 2004, goes beyond her native land. Aishwarya was a jury member at the 2003 Cannes Film Festival, and she’s even represented at Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum in London. [Link]

Her black hair and chestnut skin are lovely enough, but those blue eyes make us feel like we’re staring into a Bombay beachside sunset. We’d wrap her in a regal sari, place her on a maharajah’s throne and serve her every whim, humbly genuflecting to her fantastic charms. [Link]

And at number 73, a girl that should make Siddhartha delirious : Lisa Ray, the Canadian born Polish-Bengali joint production. This Lisa incidentally, is the same girl that wants to settle down in Paris and write novels. Ooh.

This Canadian-born actress of Indian and Polish descent made her feature film debut in 2001 in the offbeat comedy Kasoor. In 2002, she appeared in Takkari Donga and the hit romantic comedy Bollywood/Hollywood. Her American film debut came in 2004, when she starred in another romantic comedy, Arrangement, before she relocated to England to pursue further training as an actress. [Link]

And then, .. that’s it! Only two people on the most important list this year. No Sheetal Sheth. No Katrina Kaif. Blasphemous, I know. And sad, if ever anything was. But there is some hope – we’ve doubled our representation over the last two years and at this rate, we’ll take over the list in a mere few decades. Meanwhile, here’s some fodder for your brains:

Askmen.com ranks celebrities based on a vague number called the Desirability Score. Aishwarya is at 7.68, while Jessica Alba, the eventual winner came in at 9.07. Mathematically inclined mutineers might notice immediately that Aish is a mere 15% behind Jessica. And here is an interesting titbit snippet: If you employ a more commonly used ranking index, Alba clocks in at 35-25-35 and Aish at 32-25-32. And the difference between those statistics? 15% . Hmm… hidden message, you think?

And those of you that think I made those numbers up, remember it is the brains that matter to me.

76 thoughts on “Anatomy of a List”

  1. let me kick this off with some snark:

    Alba clocks in at 35-25-35 and Aish at 32-25-32.

    Aish got no caboose.

  2. There are many things beautiful about brown women. However, they rarely have junk in the trunk. Brown guys suffer from “Desi Butt”, why should women be any exception?

    [craning my head around my shoulder and looking down]

  5. and to tie it all in: Alba is mixed. 🙂

    Manish: apparently so. Ennis: phhhhhhllbbbbtttt! [DD off to the gym to do lunges and prevent desi butt]

  7. Sienna Miller and some random chic Marisa Miller ahead of Eva Mendes?? Where is Scarlett Johansen ?? Man this list go zero cred in my view. Besides Aish should come in much much before than 47 (atleast ahead of random chic Marissa) .. ridiculous!!!

  9. With Indian Hair being ‘big’ this year, maybe we will get more Indian beauties being recognized. And Indian girls donÂ’t have ‘junk in their trunk’ cos we are perfectly proportioned!!!! Big Booty may not be so desirable next year! Big props to all South Asian girls, we come in different sizes and shades but its all good!!!!

  10. Saucy Mutineers,

    Since I’m not married yet and can therefore just about get away with borderline badmaashi here on SM, I wonder if it would be too rude and ungentlemanly to suggest that somebody should supply us with links to some pictorial examples of female desi cabooses (no, not the “NSFW” kind), so that we can objectively and scientifically assess the prevalence or lack of spankable booty within the global South Asian community.

    A live WebCam to DD’s gym session would, of course, be an acceptable alternative…..

  11. Where’s Parmi??? No offense to Aish, but Parmi rocks!!!!

    Cinnamon

    Big Booty may not be so desirable next year!

    NEVER!!!!!!!!!!! ;0

  12. Damn you men and damn your need to make lists of hot women you want (but can’t have) 🙂 What the hell do the rest of us lesser blessed women have to do to get on these lists???

  14. Jane oAT- we do what any gorgeous intelligent women in the new millenium would do. Make our own list of man-meat!

    Oh I don’t know if we make lists…we just look at hot man meat, admire or have it and move on. 😉

  15. Ah, desi butt. I’ve claimed many times that desi women do amazingly well in the curvy hips department, but when it comes to rearward protusion, they come up a little, um, flat. Desi men are similarly buttitudinally challenged. But I have seen exceptions — the mixed desis sometimes have more caboose action. And for some reason some Punjabi women are blessed with nicely proportioned, 3-D hind quarters. I attribute that to the sarson di saag, makki di roti, and fresh churned butter that Punjabis dine on.

    It’s Friday, so butt discussions are par for the course. 🙂

  16. I don’t know about punjabi kudiyas- but bengali butts, from my own limited empirical studies, are quite up there with the best!

  17. sigh. its not what’s on the outside, its what’s on the inside. silly fellows stop being so superficial! really, didn’t you learn beauty is more than skin deep (spoken like man with desi butt and, um, not many desi-six packs)

  18. was i the only one who noticed mention of the great telugu western takkari donga in the blurb for lisa ? anyone who ever wonders what “yee-haw” sounds like in telugu should watch that movie..here is a visual

  19. I have a great ass. Seriously, it goes a long way in making up for my face. Years of ass-utilising sports and hobbies have created two perfect spheres.

    Ah, the anonymity of the Internet. (Although…I talk about my ass in real life anyway!)

  20. Those complaining about lack of desi butt curvature… do you not know any kathak, but more probable, Bharathanatyam dancers???

  21. Looks like Timepass and I are in agreement this time. And speaking of hips/caboose etc, on behalf of guys everywhere, may I just take this opportunity to thank you ladies for continuing the current fashion trend for low-rise jeans etc (despite various high-class fashion magazines repeatedly trying to claim it’s now out of style). Long may it continue 😉

  22. Those complaining about lack of desi butt curvature… do you not know any kathak, but more probable, Bharathanatyam dancers???

    I was just thinking that. All that squatting in Bharatnatyam is an excellent ass workout.

  23. Anyone can grow a butt. Just do weighed squats and work your way up from light to heavy. Takes a couple of months.

  24. its just something to say, there’s plenty of plentiful butts out there with “desi” stamped on them. we contain multitudes

  27. Ash is sensational and stunning in all respects. She has never tried to cultivate a skin show or sexy image, barring one odd movie like Shabd. She is all class, but hollow people like to dish her for all the wrong reasons. She does not give press interviews at the drop of a hat nor sensational quotes. Dignity and privacy is her style. Kudos to her. I appreciate her as a woman.

  29. DesiDancer & JoaT,

    Jane oAT- we do what any gorgeous intelligent women in the new millenium would do. Make our own list of man-meat! Oh I don’t know if we make lists…we just look at hot man meat, admire or have it and move on. 😉

    Don’t panic, ladies ! There’s more than enough of me to go around !

    In the interests of honesty and, basically, putting one’s money where one’s mouth is, I do think that any resident hotties claiming superiority in the junk/trunk department should provide photographic evidence so that we can judge your claims of gorgeousness for ourselves. And I’m still waiting for that live WebCam feed, dammit.

    However, shy, more modest, wallflower types (or hot-but-humble beauties lacking the requisite exhibitionist tendencies) can assist our mission in another way. In a highly unscientific and completely caddish experiment inspired by the mighty Kush Tandon’s potentially-Nobel-Prize-winning “International Airport Grading Model” in another recent thread, the following 1-5 point scorecard system can be used by the lovely ladies concerned to accurately grade their moneymakers. Our vivid imaginations will subsequently fill in the blanks 😉

    Sepia Mutiny Caboose Calibre-Estimation Model 2006:

    5 (highest) – Deserves to have a temple built in its honour. 4 – Deserves some occasional, but not frequent, gentle spanking. 3 (neutral) – Still enough to “get the job done”, but does not always trigger an uncontrolled Pavlovian Dog response in any passing ass-bandits (unlike 4 & 5). 2 – Not unsalvagable, although requires a substantial amount of work.
    1 (lowest) – Hmm…..

    Please be honest, and of course inclusion of relevant vital statistics will enable refinement of the final analysis.

    *Ladies — In the interests of fairness and equality, feel free to suggest an equally badmaash system for us guys 😉

  30. Kush Tandon’s potentially-Nobel-Prize-winning “International Airport Grading Model” in another recent thread, the following 1-5 point scorecard system can be used by the lovely ladies Jai,

    I would absolutely love that. Bravo!! However, be warned, somebody here will come shake their fist about we being “Patriachal Bast***“. So be warned and prepared.

    Cartoons about “Prophet Mohammed” = freedom of press, “About Female Beauty” = *&$%%%%* Insensitive…!!

    I need to brush up my karate.

  31. Kush,

    Hopefully any female visitors to this thread will realise that my post above was just meant light-heartedly and should not be taken seriously. Women who want to “play along” are of course welcome to do so, but anyone who has a sense of humour hopefully shouldn’t be offended — although I do understand your words of caution (there have been precedents for “indignant female responses” on SM, including one recently directed at you too, as you probably remember).

    I added the following sentence to my post to emphasise the jokey nature of it, and to give any willing women an opportunity to “retaliate” if they wanted to 😉

    *Ladies — In the interests of fairness and equality, feel free to suggest an equally badmaash system for us guys 😉

    Anyway…..

    Cartoons about “Prophet Mohammed” = freedom of press,

    Speaking of that controversy, I’m very surprised that SM aren’t covering it…..

  32. Speaking of that controversy, I’m very surprised that SM aren’t covering it…..

    Jai,

    Going off the tangent on this thread, Desicritics (www.desicritics.org) has about dozen articles by bloggers from different continents on Danish controversy. Please read if you get chance.

  33. Kush,

    Thanks for the link, buddy — I’ll definitely check it out.

    The British “Pickled Politics” blog also currently has multiple discussion threads on the cartoon topic.

  34. I was at a conference over the weekend with substantial discussion about the Danish controversy. I haven’t covered it because I haven’t had the time but we’ll probably get to it this week. In my eyes though the fact that this story is barely on the US’s radar screen tells you a lot about the relative assimilation of immigrants in the U.S.

  35. Abhi,

    In my eyes though the fact that this story is barely on the US’s radar screen

    I’ve noticed that too. CNN, however, are covering the story extensively and round-the-clock — but, as far as I know, it’s barely received a mention on Fox News.

    I can understand the comparatively low profile of the issue considering that (unlike here in the UK, for example), there haven’t been hundreds of jihadist Muslims holding organised protests in the American capital and holding placards inciting the massacre of all those who insult Islam or the beheading of the primary people involved in publishing the cartoons, or claiming that “another 7/7” is on its way, etc etc. However, considering that there are now worldwide riots (even the US embassy in Afghanistan is apparently now surrounded by a riot mob), with Scandinavian embassies being torched in several Middle Eastern countries, one would expect this whole debacle to have had a higher profile in the American media.

    The riots have spread to India too, by the way — there have been some incidents in New Delhi.

  36. Denmark is the most racist nation in Western Europe. These cartoons were less about Muhammad’s turban and more about the xenophobia of the right wing Danes and increasingly of the whole Danish society.

    Of course the Muslim reaction has been over the top, way out of proportion and insane as usual. So nothing new on the Muslim front.

  37. Sepia Mutiny Caboose Calibre-Estimation Model 2006: 5 (highest) – Deserves to have a temple built in its honour. 4 – Deserves some occasional, but not frequent, gentle spanking. 3 (neutral) – Still enough to “get the job done”, but does not always trigger an uncontrolled Pavlovian Dog response in any passing ass-bandits (unlike 4 & 5). 2 – Not unsalvagable, although requires a substantial amount of work. 1 (lowest) – Hmm….. *Ladies — In the interests of fairness and equality, feel free to suggest an equally badmaash system for us guys 😉

    OK Jai, Kush T and others… Please post pictures of your rears and we’ll do the needful. As for the resident Mutineers I’d rate them as follows…. 1. ANNA: Deserves to have a temple built in it’s honor 2. Vinod: Deserves some occasional, but not frequent, gentle spanking. 3. Manish: Did not get a good enough view thru the layers of clothing.

  38. I guess Abhi, myself, Sajit, Siddhartha and Karthik will just have to email you … ahem … self portraits. We eagerly await your evaluation.

  40. OK Jai, Kush T and others… Please post pictures of your rears and we’ll do the needful.

    “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” ? Aha, I’m not falling for that old trick…..

    Anyway, “ladies first”, “pearls before swine”, “beauty before age”, and so on 😉

  41. Jai dear, if you don’t post your email address, how will the lovely ladies of SM mail you posterior photography? 😉

  42. DesiDancer,

    Ooohh, that’s fightin’ talk where I come from ! Don’t make promises like that unless you intend to keep them 😉

    Alternatively, you can use the revolutionary, PhD-level Sepia Mutiny Caboose Calibre-Estimation Model I created in 5 minutes over a period of 10 years in order to give us a general idea of the level of bootyliciousness involved. As I said before, our sordid imaginations ability to scientifically extrapolate the results will enable us to figure out the real-life, “hands-on” spankability quotient.

  45. DesiDancer — laughing I knew you’d do that, dammit !

    When I read your last post, I thought “Hmm, should I give her my email address ? Knowing her, she’ll probably mail me a photo of the back end of a hippo…..”

    Anyway…..

    Wouldn’t it be funny to make the whole Caboose-Calibre grade a part of desi biodata. “Yes Auntie, your darling daughter looks very sidhi-sadhi from that photo you’ve supplied, and yes I really do believe you when you tell me she’s never had a boyfriend even though she’s 28 years old and a qualified doctor/lawyer/investment banker…..But I’m afraid I’m all about the ass, so I will require some verifiable booty statistics too. And some flattering polaroids.”

    (Belated disclaimer: Despite on-line impressions, I am actually a bit quieter in ‘real life’ than I may appear here. Not ‘reserved’ by any means, but generally very well-behaved. Even if the gorgeous girl concerned has a caboose that is absolutely begging to be adored and worshipped all day.)

  46. let it be said, I never let you down Jai 😉

    you may now resume building a temple to my popozao.

  47. Listen you big wusses….so much for all the talk about asses….you want to be rated up there with the SM gods you need to put your money where your mouth is! I never said I was going to show you mine to get to see yours. Doh! Did you just make that up Jai???? And Kush T…where’s that picture you promised??? Come on…doesn’t anyone want to beat Vinod????

  48. DesiDancer,

    let it be said, I never let you down Jai 😉

    Speaking of “letting things down”, that sound you heard yesterday from across the Atlantic was a balloon rapidly & suddenly deflating after I eagerly opened that link you supplied…..Heh heh…..

    you may now resume building a temple to my popozao.

    Just a temple, eh ? I expected you to claim your caboodle was “off the scale” 😉

  49. Jai, it would be a really big ornate temple like to dwarf Kajuraho, and every day fresh flowers would be delivered by a bunch of Hrithiks-in-training and pooja would be held every hour on the hour. (hope my sacreligiousness doesn’t offend. It’s all in fun y’all)

    As for pictures to affirm, JoAT, as Beyonce succinctly put it, “I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly…”

  50. DesiDancer,

    Would there be a gigantic ‘murti’ in the inner sanctum, or are you vehemently opposed to caboose idolatry ? snigger

    Just think — countless devotees worldwide, all bowing in your direction several times at day at regular intervals. Well, as long as you remember to wiggle the merchandise at the allocated times, so that everybody’s praying towards the correct, er, location.

    This is a very cheeky thread…..

    Hears collective groan

    Okay, corny joke, I know; but somebody here had to say it at some point, so it may as well be me.