Singled Out [by New Light Productions] will be an hour-long documentary exploring… [the lives of] single South Asian thirtysomethings in North America… To many elders… that many not-so-young people are remaining unmarried is puzzling, worrisome, and even scandalous… Singled Out will… examine the… anxieties and coping mechanisms of this often stigmatized group.

South Asian Singles Research Survey

We wish to capture the experiences of single, never-married South Asian Americans from 30-49. Jumpin’ jehoshaphat, you’re old. Here, have a Prozac.

1. As a single person, are you looking to meet people for dating or marriage?

Yes
No
What is this ‘dating’ you speak of?

2. Do you feel pressure to get married?

Yes
Yes

3. If yes, where is this pressure coming from?

<

p> My S.O.
My psycho ex
Sad fatty aunties
Gay marriages
Circus clowns

4. If yes, what kinds of pressure do you feel?

<

p> Want to make couple-friends
Want to go on couple-dates
Want to have couple-conversations about mortgages and tax shelters
Want to kill myself after filling out these stupid surveys

5. If you are feeling the pressure/stress, how do you cope?

Krumping
Rough sex with crack ho’s
A bracing round of badminton
Getting wasted and picking up strangers

6. What are your anxieties/fears around being single?

Not enough nagging, too much nookie
The envy of my married friends
To shave my back, have to keep using the ol’ shaver-on-a-stick trick

7. Would you like to have children?

Yes
No
Rentals only
Lease to own, but the financing’s a bitch

8. Bow to the power of my cuteness!

9. If yes, would you consider having children outside of marriage?

Yes
No
The kid is not my son

10. Have you ever tried any of the following:

Meeting boring white people on Match
Meeting boring brown people on Indian Dating
Meeting freaky brown artists on Nerve
As a last resort, appearing in a movie about being single

11. If you are not looking for a partner, then are you happy being single?

Yes
No
I’m shacked up with Rosie and her five sisters

12. You are not looking for a partner because:

I’m mentally defective
I’m morally defective
I lead a happy life and don’t want to totally fuck it up

13. Being a ‘single’ person, do you feel valued in the South Asian community?

Yes
No
Right up until I read this survey
Wait, why is single in quotes? Dammit, do I need to get tested again?

14. Do you ever have to justify being single to other South Asians?

See #1-13

15. Which of the following applies most to you:

I despair of ever being married, meet all the suitables catapulted in my direction, and am pitied by the aunties
I am married, miserable, and pitied by the aunties
I enjoy my life as-is; I am whispered about, treated like a felon and pitied by the aunties
I pity the aunties

16. Are you ever going to provide your poor, suffering parents with grandchildren?

Yes
No, I take pleasure in denying them the genealogical fruit of their loins. Then I kick little puppies. It brings me joy.

17. Would you like to be considered to advertise your desperation as a subject for a documentary?

Yes
No
Desi please

Contact Info (Optional)

Name:
Phone:
Email:

Photo:

Measurements:

36-24-36
24-36-24
24-24-24
666
69

Body type:

Gym Guido
About average
A few extra pounds
Tatanka

Other:

I am hot
I am fiscally solvent